It has been difficult lately. I am trying to find my way and wondering if I even make a difference. My fear has been yelling at me and telling me all the things that hurt and break me. It has been hard to hear words sometimes. Even the ones that aren’t being used and are assumed because of circumstances. My thoughts and events brought me to my knees yesterday.
My underlying feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, young enough…blah blah blah!!!! ENOUGH!
I think it is the “alone” thing that is taking me for a loop and yesterday was the straw that broke this camel’s back. My intentions are to find love, prosperity through my work, my art and to help all that cross my path. I assume that they will come because I said, “this is what I want”, but the contrast in getting there is breaking me.
I cried all day yesterday because of this man that I have always cared for and about. I found a picture of this stunningly beautiful woman with him and he looked so happy with her. I found out completely by accident…but are there any accidents? He has lied to me by saying nothing and making me feel that he wanted to have a go of it again. But did he? Maybe all he wanted was a piece and some warm kind words. I don’t know. Today, I don’t want to know. I am better today. I am trying to shake this off.
Maybe I should just embrace this for a moment…relish the intrinsic value of sorrow. Maybe I need to see this as an opportunity. How can people relate to me if I can’t relate to this…sorrow, pain, hatred, self loathing, and grief?
What does it take to allow this to wash over me and cleanse my very spirit?
It really isn’t about me…right? I know that it is more than likely about him and his own inadequacies, but the action landed in my lap. Once I confronted him, he said that it was true, “but dating a beautiful woman isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. They are high maintenance”. What does that mean relating to me? What I heard was, ” I am not beautiful”.
I have always thought of myself as beautiful and now I am not? I had a rush of insecurities flood my very essence. Every bad event of my life came rushing in like a waterfall. Every bad memory was all I could think of and all I could do is cry for hours. I had thoughts of just ending everything. I felt so inept and so useless. I actually prayed that I could die and end everything. Why is this always happening to me? The woulda, shoulda, coulda’s of all that I thought I wanted came rushing in and I think that I drown.
I am not this person…who is this? Who is this little girl? Where is the woman that I know? I know none of these things are true, but yet they saturated me in this muk and mire! What the hell?!!!!
How can I find a balance? I am not sure, but what I do know is that I need to be gentle and not care about what other people think. I heard that once…oh yeah! Out of my own mouth! They aren’t my original words, but I have made them mine for years.
Maybe all of this is just a cleansing of sorts. A way to throw out the old and allow the new into my life. I think I can live with that! I really don’t want this in my life, but I appreciate coming out the other side and still being ok! I appreciate the fact that although my ego said that,” NO ONE LOVES YOU” …I know that isn’t true!!! I’m not quite sure who loves me, but I know that I am not all alone.
Looking for a rainbow in the storm.
PS…and YES even though this is a crappy ass situation and day, I am grateful for it! I survived it and I am stronger, wiser and (YES) more beautiful than ever because of it! Thank you! Lesson over!!! Put a period at the end of it and turn the page.