Good Day to all and I greatly appreciate all that follow and enjoy my words.
Today, I am confronted with a single word that permeates my thoughts today…courage. I am an artist in the midst of change as we all are in this world. How does one inspire when one needs inspiration?
How do we go with a flow in the midst of all the chaos? How do we bravely go forward? Even if it feels so unnatural to do…how can we bravely face our own fear? Why should we? What difference will it make in not only our lives…but possibly many lives? How can we not only face this fear, but bless and be grateful for this fear?
Today my fear is taking a step forward. I have for some reason been satisfied with just being. Just living with my head above the water and treading lightly. The truth is that I want so much more. I am this passionate woman that is on the surface brave, loving and kind. I have gratefully been able to help others. It is a blessing to give, but when do I give to myself?
I love creating. I love traveling. I love seeing, touching, tasting all the beauty that the world has to offer. But what about sharing it? What about laughing and sharing? Isn’t that part of this journey? How do I find a place in the essence of my spirit to open up to another?
I say that I am open to it, but I don’t act like it. I sometimes fear pessimistically that this isn’t what I deserve. Why do I say that to myself? How can I get past this? I know I am better than this! I am not afraid to be alone…but it is NOT my desire.
I would love to be able to wake up in the morning with love residing in my bed and in my home. (But especially in my heart) I would love to have this love be reflected in my art and my words each and everyday. It is a dream.
I was told that if you pray to God (as I have), that He has only 3 answers. Yes, not now and I have something better for you. Well, I guess that He has something better. At least, this is my hope.
I know that I must participate, but this is where the courage comes in for me. I (in the past) have made very bad decisions when it comes to finding that right person. I have dated men that were undependable, unavailable or smothering. They were only interested in what they wanted, not what we could do together. I now have stopped myself from even trying and to be honest it hurts and creates so much fear. I have given up trying. I am either blind to the signs or I see signs that don’t exist.
I don’t trust me. I have let the ego take hold of my heart. It tells me that, “you are better off by yourself”. I have believed this stupid voice for too long and I am tired. Tired of living a gypsy life all alone. Tired of going to dinner by myself and watching lovers laugh. Tired of only having acquaintances. Tired of sitting with myself and my camera and catching glimpses of the most spectacular visions that Mother Earth has to offer. Tired of traveling alone! Alone! Alone! Alone!
I am Beautiful! I hear that all the time but when will I believe that it is true? I am talented, I am loving, I am creative, I am worthy!!!! Maybe that’s it!!!! I am worthy!!! Stupid EGO!!! I am worthy! I need help in believing this!
I am blessed because I am forgiven! I must start with forgiving myself! How do I do that? Please help me!!!! Father I love You please help me!
I am taking steps to open myself.
1) I am moving into a place that is much bigger and has space for more than 1.
2) I am creating paintings that show the love of couples. I’ve included it in this blog. I call this piece “Ancient Love”.
3) I am just going to be open to meeting men. Period. I will not judge them until I meet them. If they judge me, that’s their business not mine.
4) I am not going to take anything personal, if they don’t like me. Because I am awesome!
5) I am not stopping my life, if he doesn’t show up, because it may be in the next life.
6) I remember that I am a spirit having a human experience…not the other way around!